things have been found

talking about eating

2007-05-02T12:09:00.001-04:00

Chris Onstadt's Bacon Blog proved too inspiring. I have created my own food blog about the perils and successes of high expectactions in a low maintenance kitchen. It will be updated as infrequently as this blog, you can believe.

Things Have Been Eaten

Spring is Here Hooray Hooray

2007-04-22T21:49:00.000-04:00

I know I am not going to make any fans here but I am going to come out and say it. It may not be 'politically correct' or 'popular' but sometimes you have to lay it all on the line.

Bad rhyming just gets on my last nerve.

Remember those annoying superbowl ads that were made by college students because major advertisers really really wanted to see what all the web 2.0 hype was? Now appearantly those same advertisers are taking it to the next level with commercials written and narrated by fifth graders. Macy*s new 'Hope Springs Eternal' commercials are of course what I am harping on. As if spring wasn't laden with enough horrid cliches stacked upon lowered expectations.

Top of the Pop I

2007-02-05T13:56:00.000-05:00

I recently challenged myself to compile the greatest pop songs. Over the next few days/ weeks/whenever i update, I will be those songs, which appear over 3 mixes of 15 songs each. No artists are repeated, and certainly some things are left off that I wish I had included, but I'm pretty happy with the finished product.

Mix 1- Sing Along You Know the Words
1- Dusty Springfield- Son of a Preacher man
The patron saint of blue eyed soul on her longest lasting hit, a simple love song about a girl who is tough to love and a preacher's kid. And we all know how preacher's kids turn out. Wonder what they were doing on the pews after youth group?

2- Rod Stewart- Maggie May
Before becoming a Vegas covers clown, Stewart's goal was to be a legitimate rock and roll icon which he could have easily accomplished had he stuck with the things that made his first album great. What seems like a simple love song is actually a complicated break up song about a guy who is giving up on a woman who not only is way too demanding, she also isn't very pretty. And maybe she's old enough to be his mom? That's kind of creepy.

3- Queen- Don't Stop Me Now
Freddie Mercury can make anyone on the dancefloor love him, boy or girl. This is the quintessential Queen song, as well as the band's mission statement. Somewhere there's a moral about what all this partying leads to, but this song shows that thinking about consequences is totally square.

4- The Kinks- Lola
There are a few elements that all but guaranty pop success- memorable lines, sex, a sense of humor, and simplicity. This is by far the simplest song about being seduced by a transsexual I can think of.

5- The Foo Fighters- Everlong
Certainly among the best songs of the 90s from one of the best bands of that decade, this song emerged when Dave Grohl still had a shadow to escape and basically catapulted the Foo Fighters from 'side project' status to 'great'. Plus the music video kicks all sorts of ass which definitely helps.

6- Thin Lizzy- The Boys are Back in Town
Too many words are jammed in too small a space. The subject matter is cheesy at best. The hooks and whispering make this song decidedly un rock and roll for something with so many killer riffs. And I am sure there is no 'Dino's Bar and Grill' in Ireland. But try not to wail along on the air guitar and play rockstar.

7- Sly and the Family Stone- Everyday People
Every other song about race and prejudice sounds forced and pretentious compared to this.

8- Neutral Milk Hotel- King of Carrot Flowers Pt. 1
Almost all indie pop from the past decade wishes it was this song or from this album, and rightfully so. In a few years, after some yet unheard of band becomes the biggest thing ever and claims the Decemberists were their primary influence all the hipsters will come out of the wood work and Neutral Milk Hotel will be to the future what the Replacements and the Pixies were to the early 90s' Nirvana fans.

9- The Beach Boys- Wouldn't It Be Nice
TV has led me to believe this is exactly what every woman wants: a man who insists on talking about commitment before tucking them in at night.

10- Fleetwood Mac- The Chain
Rumours is one of my favorite albums and not just because of the backstory. More it's because of how bipolar it all is while all being beautiful. 'The Chain' is by far the angriest result of the breakups that made the album so intriguing, and it was also written half by Stevie Nicks and then half by Lindsey Buckingham. You can hear the passion in their voices. The sort of passion that says, essentially, "If i didn't have to work with you right now, you would be dead to me."

11- Carly Simon- You're So Vain
Like the last track, this song can't escape it's backstory. But interestingly enough no one really knows who the 'you' is. I always heard it was Warren Beatty which is a pretty good guess considering at the time he was essentially the same person as his character in Shampoo. Mick Jagger does the back up vocals which is pretty awesome.

12- The Turtles- Happy Together
Essentially the same song as 'Wouldn't It Be Nice.' Wikipedia says the song is 'quintessential 60s era American feel good pop,' but I can't help but notice how it sounds like everyone in the song is going to break down and cry any minute.

13- Jimmy Eat World- Sweetness
Unlike Neutral Milk Hotel, JEW's day in the sun is long gone and we're probably already witnessing the tail end of their contribution to pop rock with emo bands riffing less off them and more off... whoever. I don't know, and I don't really care to know. But for a few glorious summers this song and the others from Bleed American proved the perfect cure for the overblown rockers like Creed. And for that our radios are thankful.

14- Elton John- Tiny Dancer
The hardest decision I had making these mixes was which Elton John song to include. The finalists were this and Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, the latter being my personal preference between the two. But I've still got nothing but good things to say about this. Bernie Taupin's lyrics and Elton John's musicianship belong together, a fact made as clear by their attempts at success separate from each other as it is by the successes they had together. Nevermind the stupid jokes about tony danza.

15- Frank Sinatra- My Way
It was all I could to do to not end every mix I ever made with this song.

2006-12-16T15:17:00.000-05:00

Half-handed Cloud: Once, Twice, Seven Times a Werewolf

I just found out this video I made 3 years ago was posted on YouTube by Asthatic Kitty records. I have little doubt that the criterion collection edition of my filmography will feature this as an extra and everyone will say "Oh now I see where it all began"

Christmastime is Magical

2006-12-15T14:18:00.000-05:00

christmastime is Magical Mixtape Vol. 1
Everyone has their favorite holiday song. Nevermind the novelty knockoffs
and easy listening radio filler, the best Christmas songs capture something
of the 'true spirit' of the season, be it goodwill to men or anticipation of
coming joys or steaming cups of nostalgia. Here are some classic christmas
songs, some forgotten gems, some cheerful reimaginings and some joyful noises.

1)James Brown- Santa Claus, Go Straight to the Ghetto
2)Belle and Sebastian- Christmastime is Here
3)The Polyphonic Spree- Happy Xmas (War is Over)
4)The Waitresses-Christmas Wrapping
5)The Kinks- Father Christmas
6)Death Cab for Cutie-Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
7)Feist-Lo, How a Rose E're Blooming
8)The Band-Christmas Must Be Tonight
9)David Bowie and Bing Crosby-Peace On Eart/Little Drummer Boy
10)Sixpence None the Richer-It Came Upon A Midnight Clear
11)Muppets-It Feels Like Christmas
12)Alvin and the Chipmunks-12 Days of Christmas
13)The Crystals-Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
14)from 'The Year Without A Santa Claus'-The Snow Miser Song/The Heat Miser Song
15)Charles Brown-Please Come Home for Christmas
16)Miles Davis, David Sanborn, Larry Carlton and Paul Shaffer-We Three Kings of Orient Are
17)Queen-Thank God It's Christmas
18)The Beach Boys-Auld Lang Syne

download it here through yousendit*

*password required by the grinch

Preview Reviews: Unaccompanied Minors

2006-12-04T14:24:00.000-05:00

The focus groups found EVERYTHING to make this movie the best of the year. Kids rapping? Check. Kids saving Christmas? Check. Kids punching angry adults in the crotch? Check.

If this preview doesn't work for you there are about 7 or 8 additional Unaccompanied Minors previews in circulation on your TV set right now. Perhaps you would prefer a little more of the 'Lewis Black yells because angry=funny' trailer. Or the heartwarming 'You are so not a loser now let's totally make out' trailer. But the best is the 'Lil' Chris Rock raps, then is confronted by Angry Lewis Black (is there any other kind?), then retorts with an innocent, sweet "I've got a song in my heart"' trailer. Because we all have a song in our heart, and so often that song is a rap detailing the major plot points of the past few hours from our lives.

Rarely is a preview released that tries to play so many angles yet still successfully reveals exactly what the film will be about. And this film is about one thing: Unaccompanied Minors Stranded at the Airport Stuck in a Snowstorm All Alone. The more you watch the trailer, the song is no longer sung by Lil' Chris Rock but instead it is sung by every annoying cousin or sibling you know, and you feel compelled to watch the film when it premiers on ABC Family next winter.

Preview: C-
Film's Potential: D

Born Every Minute

2006-08-27T20:44:00.000-04:00

so yesterday i went to a county fair
and there was a little house thing amidst the rides and games that advertised itself as featuring the 'world's smallest woman' with speakers playing some science museum audio tour guide voice, all talking about 'Come see Gloria Lastname, whose hands are only 2 inches wide and feet are a size 2. She is so small you can pick her up and carry her in your arms like you would a small child.'

I thought this was kind of amusing because i assumed it would be a doll or hologram or some such thing, real budget PT Barnum stuff. I mean the exhibit was a tiny replica of a country home with no windows, you just paid a dollar and walked behind the house and looked in a window or something.

So I was making fun of it and my mom took this to mean I really wanted to see it, so she said she'd pay for me if I told her what it was. I was a little hesitant because while I enjoy spending my parents' money that is a rip off and I figured "man I will feel robbed no matter what is behind the window because come on I am at the Elizabethtown Fair featuring Elvis impersonators and tractor pulls." But somehow she convinced my fiancee and her friend and me to all just take the money and see what was behind the window.

We gave our money to the black guy in overalls sitting at the entrance and walked around past the 'Special: Children Under 10 Get In for $.50' sign. We turned the corner and sitting past the window, which wasn't actually glass plated at all, was a midget. A black woman, maybe 3 feet tall when standing, sitting watching a portable tv with fuzzy reception. She stared at us dismally, and we swallowed our shock at having actually seen a real tiny woman. There was a basket in front of her asking for tips and saying that you could take her picture or get her to stand up for a dollar. We walked to other corner of the window and stood around for a few seconds out of her line of sight, wondering what just happened.

When we exited the parents were smiling and laughing and begging us "come tell us what she was!" while we shook off the daze of what had happened. Lucy started laughing nervously as we told them what we had seen and the smiles disappeared from their faces. Amidst the bustle of the crowds you could almost hear the chanting 'one of us, one of us.'

Abridged Choose Your Own Real-Life Adventures: DANGER AT THE GAS STATION

2006-08-09T17:42:00.000-04:00

1. You arrive at Sheetz and wait 5 minutes for the next available pump. You pass the time by humming and occasionally singing bits of ‘Run to the Hills,’ pounding your palms against the steering wheel.
If you decide to pay $3.15 for Regular Unleaded go to 2.
If you decide to protest rising gas prices go to 5.

2. You fill your 1997 Ford Taurus for $42.52.
If you go inside and pay, go to 10.
If you make a run for it, go to 9.

3. Nicolette hands over your change and her fingers brush against your palm. You leave the Sheetz smiling, and remembering that you still need to get stamps. THE END?

4. The bathroom smells like pink lemonade. You aim for the urinal cake and finish your business.
If you’re done here and want to pay, go to 3.
If you decide to get a condom, go to 8.

5. Your attempt at civic rebellion results in a short moment of personal pride followed immediately by the sound of your engine shutting off. THE END.

6. The soda fountain features the usual colas and diets but the gleam of a ‘Red Bull’ option catches your eye. You relish the thought of 32 liquid ounces of energized corn syrup and fill your cup, noticing the slightly overweight girl behind the counter smiling at you.
If you’re ready to pay go to 3.
If you buy a lottery ticket go to 7.

7. “Today is my lucky day,” you think as you scratch off your ‘Wizard of Odds’ card. You lose, but your contribution to the lottery commission will help senior citizens throughout the state. THE END

8. A 12-year-old boy walks in the bathroom as you put $.75 in the “Assorted Flavors” slot. The boy openly laughs at you. THE END.

9. Your head spins with adrenaline as you peel out of the gas station. Could this be the beginning of a new life as a reckless fugitive, you wonder? By the time you see the Polar Bear in the road it is too late. THE END.

10. Sheetz is cool, you suddenly can’t decide if you’re thirsty or if you need to pee.
If you get a soda, go to 6.
If you need to go to the bathroom go to 4.

I promise it won't always be this self-centered please believe me when I say that to you

2006-06-16T21:06:00.000-04:00

As any young intellectual middle class American, I do a lot of critical thinking crap. Mostly I use the powers bestowed upon me by the Ivory Tower to justify my attachments to pop culture. For instance: I am happy if I can come up with a cogent argument as to why The Rocketeer is a provocative, culturally important achievement in cinema history. AKA I am any sucker with a blog and an ego. I like to think when the Ivory Tower gave me the power of bullshit I mean critical thinking they did so in the Uncle Ben way, looking at me square in the eyes man-to-man and telling me that with great power comes yadda yadda. Then I, at the time oblivious to the clear foreshadowing and appearantly omniscent nature of uncle ben, go out and wrestle Randy Savage while uncle ben gets capped. Metaphorically.

This then is my obligatory first post treatise: I will not fill this blog with culturally elitist fallderal in an attempt to prove my smarter-and-hipper-than-you sensibilities. Rather, I will fill this blog with culturally elitist fallderal that tries to have a sense of humor about how silly it is to think I know a thing. Mostly I just need to stretch my brain muscle but I don't want to come off as a jackass in so doing. If I ever come across as a jackass you have my permission to tell me to can it, although I promise I will ignore you.