Born Every Minute

so yesterday i went to a county fair
and there was a little house thing amidst the rides and games that advertised itself as featuring the 'world's smallest woman' with speakers playing some science museum audio tour guide voice, all talking about 'Come see Gloria Lastname, whose hands are only 2 inches wide and feet are a size 2. She is so small you can pick her up and carry her in your arms like you would a small child.'

I thought this was kind of amusing because i assumed it would be a doll or hologram or some such thing, real budget PT Barnum stuff. I mean the exhibit was a tiny replica of a country home with no windows, you just paid a dollar and walked behind the house and looked in a window or something.

So I was making fun of it and my mom took this to mean I really wanted to see it, so she said she'd pay for me if I told her what it was. I was a little hesitant because while I enjoy spending my parents' money that is a rip off and I figured "man I will feel robbed no matter what is behind the window because come on I am at the Elizabethtown Fair featuring Elvis impersonators and tractor pulls." But somehow she convinced my fiancee and her friend and me to all just take the money and see what was behind the window.

We gave our money to the black guy in overalls sitting at the entrance and walked around past the 'Special: Children Under 10 Get In for $.50' sign. We turned the corner and sitting past the window, which wasn't actually glass plated at all, was a midget. A black woman, maybe 3 feet tall when standing, sitting watching a portable tv with fuzzy reception. She stared at us dismally, and we swallowed our shock at having actually seen a real tiny woman. There was a basket in front of her asking for tips and saying that you could take her picture or get her to stand up for a dollar. We walked to other corner of the window and stood around for a few seconds out of her line of sight, wondering what just happened.

When we exited the parents were smiling and laughing and begging us "come tell us what she was!" while we shook off the daze of what had happened. Lucy started laughing nervously as we told them what we had seen and the smiles disappeared from their faces. Amidst the bustle of the crowds you could almost hear the chanting 'one of us, one of us.'

Abridged Choose Your Own Real-Life Adventures: DANGER AT THE GAS STATION

1. You arrive at Sheetz and wait 5 minutes for the next available pump. You pass the time by humming and occasionally singing bits of ‘Run to the Hills,’ pounding your palms against the steering wheel.
If you decide to pay $3.15 for Regular Unleaded go to 2.
If you decide to protest rising gas prices go to 5.

2. You fill your 1997 Ford Taurus for $42.52.
If you go inside and pay, go to 10.
If you make a run for it, go to 9.

3. Nicolette hands over your change and her fingers brush against your palm. You leave the Sheetz smiling, and remembering that you still need to get stamps. THE END?

4. The bathroom smells like pink lemonade. You aim for the urinal cake and finish your business.
If you’re done here and want to pay, go to 3.
If you decide to get a condom, go to 8.

5. Your attempt at civic rebellion results in a short moment of personal pride followed immediately by the sound of your engine shutting off. THE END.

6. The soda fountain features the usual colas and diets but the gleam of a ‘Red Bull’ option catches your eye. You relish the thought of 32 liquid ounces of energized corn syrup and fill your cup, noticing the slightly overweight girl behind the counter smiling at you.
If you’re ready to pay go to 3.
If you buy a lottery ticket go to 7.

7. “Today is my lucky day,” you think as you scratch off your ‘Wizard of Odds’ card. You lose, but your contribution to the lottery commission will help senior citizens throughout the state. THE END

8. A 12-year-old boy walks in the bathroom as you put $.75 in the “Assorted Flavors” slot. The boy openly laughs at you. THE END.

9. Your head spins with adrenaline as you peel out of the gas station. Could this be the beginning of a new life as a reckless fugitive, you wonder? By the time you see the Polar Bear in the road it is too late. THE END.

10. Sheetz is cool, you suddenly can’t decide if you’re thirsty or if you need to pee.
If you get a soda, go to 6.
If you need to go to the bathroom go to 4.